The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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