I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
