I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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