what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
