My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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