Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
