just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
