I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
