so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
