1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize