Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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