I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
