Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
