dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
