why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
