we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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