I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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