dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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