That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
