dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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