Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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