I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
