Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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