Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
