now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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