pop tarts are not kleenex
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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