Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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