I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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