Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize