There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
