Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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