My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
