So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
