She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
