Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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