Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
