I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
soo... how was my night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
