Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
No subtext here. People are naked.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize