best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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