every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
