Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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