Please, let me fuck your mom
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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