I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
