Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
