Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
