I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She said her name was "party"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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