I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
