My friends, they love my intelligence
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
