i wish my penis had a tongue
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
