new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
