i think my mom watched the whole time
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
