her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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