I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
