I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
