Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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