i think i have herpe
just one?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
