She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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