a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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