I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
