Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
